On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
