Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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