Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
