True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
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when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
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He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's blow job season.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
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