Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
