are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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