Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
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If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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