Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
