Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
