Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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