I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
