I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
