The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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