Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
