the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
