this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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