My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
