Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
