is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
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