My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
