I hate your face
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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