So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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