I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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