I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?