Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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