he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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