I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
