Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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