He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
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and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
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This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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