I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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