i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
