I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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