Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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