it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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