She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The adults are the big ones right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
