bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
