i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
