Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
