Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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