I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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