1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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