I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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