I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
