I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
