The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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