You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
