Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
When are your genitals available?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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