I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
