u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
