I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
