My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
