Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
