I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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