At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
high people should be assigned attendants
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
