I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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